"Spoilers much?" says the Cabbageshire News Team. Carrot and Oyster meets Lady GaGa!

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As part of the awesome launching of the Carrot and Oyster & Co. Blog, the Cabbageshire News Team meets up with Grammy Award-winning singer/performance artist Lady GaGa in New York City. The team had a gruesome but worth-while interview with the artist. Although there were some unexpected turn of events, inter-racial and intellectual tensions, erotic confrontations between the artist, Mr. Carrot Bloomfield and the team’s unknowing floor director, the interview ended up well and wet – with tears. For some content-sensitivities, life-threatening scenes and words-not-to-be-said-nor-heard-coz-it’s-so-strong stuff, medical and case-sensitive privacy issues, the video of the interview was confiscated by the Central Intelligence Agency. The video was full of annoying censor bars and sounds. Here’s the unedited transcript of the interview.




Mr. Carrot Bloomfield [ the interviewer]: So, it’s been a few years since you started performing. How do you feel about that?


Lady GaGa: Bitch, I’ve been always performing ever since I was a child, I was 3 years old when I had my first pole dancing lessons.


Mr. Carrot: Did you just call me “bitch”? [Mr. Carrot sarcastically shows a photo of Lady GaGa hooking up with a homeless guy]. Who’s the bitch now?


Lady GaGa: You f%$#!?ng son of a bitch! Where did you get that? Give me that!


Mr. Carrot: Stefani, you should be aware that this is a live interview being broadcasted to more than a hundred countries, even in Iran. So you must make yourself behaved or you’ll be very sorry.


Lady GaGa: This is b*llsh*t! You people suck! Get me out of here! Why am I even here?


Mr. Carrot: Oh no you don’t, Joanne. You’re not going anywhere. So, where were we?


Lady GaGa: I’m calling the police. You’re holding me as your hostage! Help! Hey, what the? Keep that handcuff away from me, you fool! Hey!


Mr. Carrot: Your recording company owes our company five-billion dollars. And that’s why you’re here. If you don’t do us a very simple favour, you’re Monster Ball Tour will be cancelled for good, your recording contracts will be invalidated, your albums will be recalled and we will sue you and your company for breach of contract to have this interview. Would you like that? [Lady GaGa spits on Mr. Carrot’s face. Mr. Carrot spits back. Spit everywhere.]


Lady GaGa: Ok. Ok. I’ll do this. But mark my words, Bloomfield, you’ll be dead soon.\


Mr. Carrot: Ooooooh, I’m so scared. A queen bitch trying to scare me! Beat it, freak!


Lady GaGa: Hell yeah, a*shole!
[The team decided to start the interview all over again to relieve some tensions.]


Mr. Carrot: Ok. Let’s take this one professionally. My second question to you is about the rumors that you are a hermaphrodite. Is that true? Take note, three billion people are watching you right now.


Lady GaGa: Yes, I am. To be clear, [Lady GaGa stands up, facing the camera] I HAVE NO PENIS NOR VAGINA! WHAT DO YOU CARE, BITCHES?


Mr. Carrot: So how do you get sex then?


Lady GaGa: I use a specially-made device to replicate human intercourse. Happy now?


Mr. Carrot: So how do you sleep with men?


Lady GaGa: I’m usually on the top so that the contraption I use would properly work.


Mr. Carrot: Oh, interesting.


Lady GaGa: A hobo like you would interest such things!


Mr. Carrot: At least, I’m not a freak. Uhm, about your style. What drives you to be different?
[The interview continued for the next 3 hours. Mr. Carrot had a temporary stroke in the middle of the interview but immediately recovered. A crewman died of heart attack. Lady GaGa had a quikie with Mr. Bloomfield. All goes well. Some weird questions followed.]


Mr. Carrot: To be honest, I really didn’t like your performance at the VMA. Nor do the critics. The blood stuff was a total crap. How do you respond to issues like same sex marriage?


Lady GaGa: What’s the connection between the VMA and same sex marriage? Who are you, Barbara Walters?


Mr. Carrot: You are an outspoken gay rights activist. Do you sleep with gays?


Lady GaGa: You’re not making sense!


Mr. Carrot: You visited the Queen of England wearing a red latex suit. Are you trying to impress her husband or are you hitting on Princes William and Harry?


Lady GaGa: Are you making fun of me?


Mr. Carrot: How are you and Adam Lambert doing right now? How do you respond to the public saying that a bisexual hermaphrodite is hooking up with a gay American Idol? Why won’t you be contented to past relationships with Clay Aiken and Taylor Hicks? Why not go for Kris Allen?


Lady GaGa: You’re questions are stupid!


Mr. Carrot: Oh yeah, well you’re stupid too!

[The next 2 hours of interview was unspeakable. Mr. Carrot got stabbed in the head with a fork, later the team knew he was not in the right mind the whole time. Lady GaGa suffered a not-so-serious concoction after Mr. Carrot head butted her for no reasons. Jay Leno came to ease the tensions.]

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